Just a reminder: A framework is something that builds from the foundation of something. When building a house, the construction team builds a frame to hold up and define specific interior spaces. The same thing happens in our mind.
Framework #3: Blaming everyone else because they are the problem and my life sucks because of them.
The blame game is something every single person has either done or felt the effects from. This third framework is built around seeing everyone else as the problem. That other people are “the reason” for why your life sucks. You naturally are going to feel more isolated with this framework as the center of your brain’s operating system. You will naturally be more inclined to manipulate others, to be disgusted by others, and to give your power and personal happiness into the hands of others more readily with this framework as your foundation.
With all this in mind, let’s dive into the four red flags to watch for and to observe when it comes to how your brain works and what framework is at work inside of your mind.
Red Flag #1: “I will not nor ever forgive you”
Forgiveness isn’t cheap for you yet there is something much more difficult going on inside of you. Resentment, hostility, damaging betrayal of trust, or even just hatred that fills you to your center and you find that forgiving them would let them go. Holding them hostage in your pain is their “just desserts”.
However, this kind of thinking is exhausting. This way of living is burdensome. Unforgiven actions and hostility can turn cankering to cancerous. It can invade and infest your mind until you are consumed and forever changed. One thought leads to one action which ripples to change who you are.
My grandfather, Bernard Poduska, a licensed marriage and family therapist for three decades once shared that, “the first to forgive is the strongest. That doesn’t mean that they are right, and you are wrong, it just means that they matter more than whatever it is that you are angry or fighting about”. This counsel came to me at a difficult time in my own personal life. I am finding that this statement is true. The first to forgive is the strongest.
Forgiveness is designed to be a balm and if you let it, you will be able to release and fully heal as you learn to forgive yourself and others. Be willing to forgive and to let go of things you cannot understand or control. Accept and embrace human imperfection because therein lies the beauty of possibility.
Red Flag #2: “I don’t like that person because they are not up to my standards, they have serious struggles”
At the root of this framework is judgment. There is a lot of outward perception that is causing you to assess that this person is unworthy of your time and attention due to something you have deemed to be atrocious or disgusting to you.
Holding people to your own perception of life is disagreeable. You are a unique individual and you have had certain experiences in your life which have helped you, tormented you, guided you, and fostered a certain perception in you. Your way is not the only way nor is this other person a despicable human being because he or she sees differently than you.
What you CAN DO:
Seek to be someone who supports and meets people where they are at.
Look for commonalities and things that can unite. Value and respect differences.
Give grace, there is power in grace. I invite you to give grace generously because the sum of your existence should not depend on one moment, nor should your determining of others be dependent on one moment. Give grace, give kindness.
Red Flag #3: “I cannot trust anyone”
Trust is something that if built into the fiber of people’s souls. Mistrust or distrust is something that is learned through countless interactions with many individuals acting and behaving in a way solidifies mistrust. It is difficult to be trusting in a world where distrusting actions are everywhere.
Trust does need to be earned and it is important to understand how to know the signs or fruits of trust.
THE 5 TELL’S OF A TRUSTWORTHY PERSON:
Dependable: Their yes is yes. They are reliable. They show up when they say they will, and they do what they say they are going to do. Integritous to their core, they are entirely reliable.
Stable: They are consistently mature in how they work through emotions and communicate with others. Their emotions are intact, and they can gauge an environment well. They naturally take care of themselves and don’t seek to take away the pain of others yet support them where they are at.
Offer Security: You are confident that you can securely entrust them with the real and the hard. They listen through all different conversations. They also are vulnerable when the time is right. You feel they lead well by their own example.
Emotionally interdependent: They see you, hear you, and share their own emotions in a way that lifts, not weighs you down. Their conversations do not leach the energy from you.
Seeks to lift and build the goodness that is within you. They see the real you and support you in your dreams and ambitions. You find that they are confident in who you are and seek to love you right where you are at.
Red Flag #4: “Everyone else is doing it, therefore it must be right”
There is a quote from C.S. Lewis, which correctly illuminates why this red flag is deceiving, it reads “When the whole world is running towards a cliff, he who is running in the opposite direction appears to have lost his mind.” The thing is there will always be crowds who think they are doing what is right. And as you choose to do something contrary or in opposition to what the crowd is doing, you will naturally look crazy.
The choice then stands before you, what will you choose to do? Who will you choose to be? The answers and choices need to be yours. You are capable of an extraordinary life and to be extraordinary yourself. Being like everyone else isn’t the answer to your questions yet being there for humanity is beautiful and integral to being human.
What you CAN DO:
Decide now to think, feel, and reason for yourself and for your life.
Seek to first understand who you are and then lead with her.
Decide to heal from shame and to not let other force shame down your throat. Seek to understand the way shame works and how your peers and colleagues seek to peer-pressure you. Decide now not to allow that to happen and to have answers ready on how to say no and effectively hold your ground in a conversation.
Choose to keep your integrity, to know your standards, and to live true to your inner principles.
Which one of these red flags is influencing your brain’s mindset? I invite you to take a look at the section “What CAN I do?” under that red flag, commit today to try one of the steps. Share which red flag you tend to do the most in the comments below.